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As a parent in a blended family, this means that one or both of you are step parenting. These relationships can be difficult at times. Many factors from personalities, to preconceived ideas, to outside and even inside influences make the relationship with your step child what it is.
Karen S. Bruns, C.H.E. an OSU Extension Agent with Family and Consumer Sciences prepared a list of things to consider when taking on the tenuous role as a step parent.
-Provide neutral territory.
When my husband and I met, he and his children lived in the house our youngest had called “home” his entire life. Ultimately we moved into my home for the first couple of years together and this was very traumatic for both my step-children. They gave up their rooms, their space with daddy and to a great degree their security. It was not nearly as difficult on my children because we had just moved into that home and they had not become accustomed to it in any great way. We have since bought a home and the transition has been amazing. Each child has their individual space, and this home was new to all of us, and therefore all the children see it as ours.
-Be yourself. Don’t try to be mom or dad. Just be who you are and the relationship will develop. As a step-parent you may fill every role from mortal enemy, to best friend, to parent role model. You have to be flexible and the best way to achieve this is to just consistently be who you really are.
-Set limits and enforce them. This can be a hard transition. The rules and limits may change suddenly from what they were before. In addition to setting and enforcing limits the added caveat is to make sure you do so for all the children involved. Children will sense favoritism even where none exists. It is imperative that equal resolve be dealt to all the children in the household and that mom and dad develop a unified means of discipline.
-Allow the children to speak of and about their natural parents. One of the best things you can do as a step-parent is to support your stepchild’s love for their biological parent. Make sure that you hold any personal grievances aside when speaking about them. Appreciate the love your step child feels for and from their biological parent regardless of your personal feelings.
-Expect fluctuations. One day they may adore you and the next they may not care if you are in the room. Be prepared to maintain composure. Remember #2, just be yourself and they will come back around.
-Be patient. Do not expect them to love you immediately. Don’t expect everything to run smoothly right away. There will be lots of kinks to work out. There will be comparisons of how it was before and how it is now. As time passes and the family begins to form its own synchronicity the occurrences of these comparisons will wane. Do not be surprised however, if after a great deal of time, something you haven’t had to deal with suddenly pops up out of the blue again. Flexibility, patience and being true to yourself will see you through these times.
-Stay true to your spouse. The strongest key to a successful blended family is a successful marriage. Take time to be a couple, not just parents or step parents. And so, in the end you will have built a strong family that helped usher successful young men and women into this world. There is little more in life for which to aspire.
Return from Step Parenting to Blended Family Parenting
