Be A Prepared Step Parent

As you are preparing to re-marry into a blended family, become a prepared step parent. You probably have expectations of what life will be like with your new spouse and new family. Amid our joy at discovering love and building our new family, it is sometimes easy to have idyllic expectations for the future to come. Let's look at some common assumptions and discuss a realistic view of what you may actually experience.

1. I get along fine with the children now, so our relationship will only improve once I’m married to their parent.

• Children can view their relationship with you differently once you are married to their parent. Things are permanent now. Any hopes they may have been holding onto about mom and dad reconciling are gone, and you are the reason. This can cause resentment that you might not have previously received.

2. The kids are only over every other weekend. That shouldn’t cause much of a disruption to our home life.

• In fact this is quite the opposite. Your schedule no longer revolves around just yours and his work schedules but instead upon the shedules of the ex-spouse, the children's activities and many other factors. Be prepared to have children when you didn't expect to and had hoped for an intimate dinner. Or having to miss a family picnic because it's not your weekend.

3. My partner loves me, so naturally the kids will too.

• When dealing with individual personalities you can in no way expect this from the children. Not only do the different emotions tied to biological parents, their feelings about the divorce, and resentments play a huge part, but so does basic personality. It's not always a perfect fit but as a prepared step parent you can achieve respectful civility, friendship and if all goes well, even a loving relationship.

4. I won’t have to be the “bad guy” with these kids. My spouse will take care of all the discipline.

• While the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian, many times this is not what occurs. Single parents are so relieved to have additional support in the home, that sometimes they expect that person to step in and share the responsibility of discipline. Ultimately with communication and unified expectations, neither of you should be the "bad guy".

5. My new spouse will make sure the kids treat me with respect.

• This of course should occur, but unfortunately many parents are still wrestling with a sense of guilt over breaking up the family. The guilt continues as the parent feels that the children are being forced into a new and different family. A lot of times this guilt plays out by parents not requiring their children to treat the new member of the family (that would be you, by the way) with the respect they deserve.

Being a prepared step parent can be like boot camp. It is something you have to endure. Tear down all the walls so that you can slowly build newer, stronger ones - together - as a family.

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